i just visited the site to double check when i left olive garden.... after i put my two weeks in, they didn't put me on the schedule at all. fine by me. good riddance. and good luck with the massive lawsuit filed by hundreds of employees for lost wages and abuse.
still at the coffee shop- it's almost as ridiculous- so many desk jockeys with different agendas, not one of them on the same page. still- all that's needed from me is to show up, smile, push some buttons, serve some coffee.... easy money.
i started working at delta last march. i love it. i really do. even though it is the strangest phenomenon that the instant people walk into those sliding glass doors their brains or manners are left outside... it's never a dull moment, even when it is a dull moment. there's always something to see or hear. i love that there's actually room for growth with this company, and they take care of their employees. it's new and refreshing and awesome. a real job at last! the hourly is great, the flight benefits even better- i've already gone to new york twice and florida once. time to renew the passport and visit some friends and family i haven't seen in ages :)
still working 70 hours a week, seven days a week= f*cking exhausting. dropped school last semester- i just could not focus. i'll return in the fall with a vengeance....
oh- and i forgot to mention. there's a boy.
a most wonderful boy i'm convincing myself is real.
it's been just over a month of dating, even though we've talked casually for over a year....
is this it???
i vote yes.
more later....
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
there is...
i haven't heard the song in a while, but the lyrics always resonated deeply- boxcar racer 'there is'... it's certainly a song for the day.
i have no idea why the sight of someone while driving inspired a voice inside me to cry-
you're out there somewhere, aren't you? you have to be.
find me here, please. this loneliness is overwhelming.
it's ridiculous to know how our mind manipulates things. i've mentally revisited past relationships recently, and noticed the skewed view on things. to lay more blame in my corner, and to shed more grace and light on my former counterparts. luckily, there have been sporadic journal entries, text messages, emails and such that i've saved as reminders because i knew i'd do this...
someday i'll find someone that will attend weird art and burlesque shows with, someone that won't mind if i decide to get back into performing bellydance (or who knows what else), someone i can converse with, share crosswords with, goof around with, be serious with, someone that is my equal in so many definitions of the word.
i have no idea why the sight of someone while driving inspired a voice inside me to cry-
you're out there somewhere, aren't you? you have to be.
find me here, please. this loneliness is overwhelming.
it's ridiculous to know how our mind manipulates things. i've mentally revisited past relationships recently, and noticed the skewed view on things. to lay more blame in my corner, and to shed more grace and light on my former counterparts. luckily, there have been sporadic journal entries, text messages, emails and such that i've saved as reminders because i knew i'd do this...
someday i'll find someone that will attend weird art and burlesque shows with, someone that won't mind if i decide to get back into performing bellydance (or who knows what else), someone i can converse with, share crosswords with, goof around with, be serious with, someone that is my equal in so many definitions of the word.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
darkness...
four months later. highs and lows, predominantly highs- i've been too busy and blessed with distraction for lows. work 70 hours a week, school part time, an 11 year old a few days a week... happy art projects when i can fit them in. this is my life. i love my life. except for moments right now- it hit hard two days ago. not even two days ago, really. what am i doing? why? i feel like i'm wasting this life. not entirely, there are some very very very wonderful things about my life, i cannot and will not deny. however, at this very moment, as i did monday evening, i feel the most alone i've ever felt. the worst part about it, i'm in some of the best company around. sincerely, THE BEST company. my heart is not 100% there. where is it? i don't know.
in these near thirty-three (i fucking love that smashing pumpkins song, by the way!) years on this planet, i have never felt so absolutely conflicted than i do right now. i love SO many things about my life right now. i have two jobs that i enjoy, school is enriching, my family is AMAZING. however, i feel incredibly lonely and have a very real fear right now of becoming that crazy old cat lady. i don't even like cats, really. this sucks.
i'm the first to tell friends in this type of situation to embrace their alone time, get a hobby, reflect, enjoy being single, enjoy the free time, focus on yourself- we can't be happy with anyone else until we're happy with ourselves... i tell friends this, and i believe it whole-heartedly, why can't i follow my own advice?? mostly i can, but this week, for some stupid reason, will not comply. i know life is great, i know everything could be so much worse, i know things will fall into place in time.... it has to, right? i'm absolutely petrified of becoming that young woman in the obituaries- such a shame, a wasted life, so much potential, so many wonderful things never seeing the light of day. it can't be me, can it? the universe can be mighty cruel. i see it all the time. is there a chance i can be that little old lady in the rocking chair on the porch? please say yes. even if i'm alone. i just want to be her and maintain. i don't want to miss a thing. my father was talking about moving to arizona in six years or so when my son graduates from high school- i can't see that far into the future. i just can't imagine it. please don't be a premonition. i've just never planned that far in advance. i live my life daily, because they aren't a given.... am i doing it wrong?
i have no idea.
does anyone?
in these near thirty-three (i fucking love that smashing pumpkins song, by the way!) years on this planet, i have never felt so absolutely conflicted than i do right now. i love SO many things about my life right now. i have two jobs that i enjoy, school is enriching, my family is AMAZING. however, i feel incredibly lonely and have a very real fear right now of becoming that crazy old cat lady. i don't even like cats, really. this sucks.
i'm the first to tell friends in this type of situation to embrace their alone time, get a hobby, reflect, enjoy being single, enjoy the free time, focus on yourself- we can't be happy with anyone else until we're happy with ourselves... i tell friends this, and i believe it whole-heartedly, why can't i follow my own advice?? mostly i can, but this week, for some stupid reason, will not comply. i know life is great, i know everything could be so much worse, i know things will fall into place in time.... it has to, right? i'm absolutely petrified of becoming that young woman in the obituaries- such a shame, a wasted life, so much potential, so many wonderful things never seeing the light of day. it can't be me, can it? the universe can be mighty cruel. i see it all the time. is there a chance i can be that little old lady in the rocking chair on the porch? please say yes. even if i'm alone. i just want to be her and maintain. i don't want to miss a thing. my father was talking about moving to arizona in six years or so when my son graduates from high school- i can't see that far into the future. i just can't imagine it. please don't be a premonition. i've just never planned that far in advance. i live my life daily, because they aren't a given.... am i doing it wrong?
i have no idea.
does anyone?
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
heART
this. is. my. year.
i say it every year, i know...
i mean it this time.
i've just quit my biggest and most stressful murderer of time-
all that's left are the good things- family, school, an easy job i like.
i can and will make time for art and creativity.
no excuses.
i currently have four pieces on display in a studio.
i know that i am capable of so much more.
time to quit f*cking around....
time to make magic.
or at least art.
;)
i say it every year, i know...
i mean it this time.
i've just quit my biggest and most stressful murderer of time-
all that's left are the good things- family, school, an easy job i like.
i can and will make time for art and creativity.
no excuses.
i currently have four pieces on display in a studio.
i know that i am capable of so much more.
time to quit f*cking around....
time to make magic.
or at least art.
;)
dream a little dream...
i had the strangest dream last night- nearly nightmare quality, as i woke up in a grief-stricken panic... i dreamed that i *had* to find you (yes you, why are you in my head incessantly lately?)- i had to tell you that i love you, i miss you and you're everything to me... i went to a place i knew you'd be (a bar of sorts- lots of socializing going on) and i searched the crowd until i finally saw your beautiful smile (it still warms my heart thinking about it) on that oh so handsome face... i made my way across the room, and as i approached i realized the reason for your smile- the petite blonde on your arm. i hadn't noticed her through the crowd, and you were smitten. you were SO very happy without me- i came all that way, gathered all the courage i could to spill my most vulnerable and difficult of secrets and saw there wasn't a chance you felt the same- i was devastated. absolutely heart-broken. and it was obvious something was wrong, but when you asked, i couldn't tell you. i didn't want to ruin the elusive happiness you finally found that you deserved so much. i couldn't tell you, so i ran. isn't that always the ending?? real life, dream land, i run. i'm tired of running. i'm tired of not sharing. after telling a friend of this dream today, she told me that if i'm dreaming about it- it is time. i'm at a point where i want and need someone in my life, and it's well past time time i stop being defensive, it's time to chip away the wall, time to LET LOVE IN. can it be done? it should have been done before. you tried to be patient, understanding, supportive. and i, like an indecisive child, would relent, then fight, then relent, then fight.... will i ever get it right?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
two weeks notice-
in the past ten years, i have been moments away from walking out on that damn job SO many times- especially in the past year. i verbally told my manager that i quit friday night, and i've typed up the official letter as well. it's such a weight off my shoulders already- knowing that my days there are numbered. it's a shame- when i started in 1999, that restaurant was a wonderful place to work and when i came back from maternity leave in 2003, it was a sanctuary. in the 9 years since, it has continued it's significant downward spiral.
what i wrote: "the past ten years have been interesting to say the least; however, i feel like each shift i walk into i'm set up for failure and i've exhausted my time and energy with impossible schedules. this is my two-week notice, my last shift will be february 10th. thank you for all you've done and i wish you LOTS of luck with the new help."
what i wanted to write: go f*ck yourselves. you're lucky i even gave the notice, you don't deserve it. each manager has their own agenda, none of them are on the same page with anything. punishments and rewards are completely inconsistent, if acknowledged at all. there's a reason that restaurant has such a high turnaround rate when it comes to managers AND hourly employees. it's a trainwreck. i used to refer friends to work here, and now i don't even encourage the people i don't like.... it's ridiculous. no one is ever held accountable for anything, the blame is always passed around when it comes to management, and while i believe doing a good job IS a reward of sorts (knowing you're doing what you're supposed to) there is no incentive or positive reinforcements for any of the employees going above and beyond on their own job or displaying teamwork- which is a rare thing to occur anyway. how can anyone be inspired to do things properly and help others when they themselves are not getting the help or recognition they need or deserve?
most of the other bartenders quit in march when corporate put 'tip share' into play. before tip share we all made our hourly wages (mine was $8/hr) plus 10% of alcohol sales, after tip share we all were reduced to $5/hr and 0.75% of ALL restaurant sales. since march (with the exception of almost two months i had maggie working with me) i have been the ONLY bartender working for 9 hours on friday nights, and 13 hours on sundays. no breaks, no help behind the bar. worst case scenario, i am responsible for seven cafe tables, 14 places at the bar, the never-ending drink printer, making change for servers, cashing out to-go orders, as well as all of the sidework- cleaning, washing dishes, etc. far more work than is worth the $5/hour. one cannot give quality service to their guests if they are stretched out too thin.
the decrease in wage and hours was devestating- that's why i started the coffee shop gig. since landing that job in may, i've told my manager that i cannot close on friday nights because there's only about three hours in between jobs- and two hours of sleep is not healthy. no surprise, with the exception of maggie's few shifts, i've been closing the bar friday nights, napping two hours, then heading to the coffee shop, falling asleep while driving.... this job is not worth my life. i'm done. after another disastrous night friday, i verbally told the manager that i quit. she told me that she couldn't get anyone trained before three weeks from now. bullshit, everyone but two of us bartenders quit in march. march- almost eleven months ago! and when they fired maggie, they should have replaced her before letting her go. a few rounds of new servers have happened since then- it's their own fault for not training new bartenders. i won't stay longer, i won't come back to train any new employees, i am done. and it's such a free feeling. come on february 11th.... :)
what i wrote: "the past ten years have been interesting to say the least; however, i feel like each shift i walk into i'm set up for failure and i've exhausted my time and energy with impossible schedules. this is my two-week notice, my last shift will be february 10th. thank you for all you've done and i wish you LOTS of luck with the new help."
what i wanted to write: go f*ck yourselves. you're lucky i even gave the notice, you don't deserve it. each manager has their own agenda, none of them are on the same page with anything. punishments and rewards are completely inconsistent, if acknowledged at all. there's a reason that restaurant has such a high turnaround rate when it comes to managers AND hourly employees. it's a trainwreck. i used to refer friends to work here, and now i don't even encourage the people i don't like.... it's ridiculous. no one is ever held accountable for anything, the blame is always passed around when it comes to management, and while i believe doing a good job IS a reward of sorts (knowing you're doing what you're supposed to) there is no incentive or positive reinforcements for any of the employees going above and beyond on their own job or displaying teamwork- which is a rare thing to occur anyway. how can anyone be inspired to do things properly and help others when they themselves are not getting the help or recognition they need or deserve?
most of the other bartenders quit in march when corporate put 'tip share' into play. before tip share we all made our hourly wages (mine was $8/hr) plus 10% of alcohol sales, after tip share we all were reduced to $5/hr and 0.75% of ALL restaurant sales. since march (with the exception of almost two months i had maggie working with me) i have been the ONLY bartender working for 9 hours on friday nights, and 13 hours on sundays. no breaks, no help behind the bar. worst case scenario, i am responsible for seven cafe tables, 14 places at the bar, the never-ending drink printer, making change for servers, cashing out to-go orders, as well as all of the sidework- cleaning, washing dishes, etc. far more work than is worth the $5/hour. one cannot give quality service to their guests if they are stretched out too thin.
the decrease in wage and hours was devestating- that's why i started the coffee shop gig. since landing that job in may, i've told my manager that i cannot close on friday nights because there's only about three hours in between jobs- and two hours of sleep is not healthy. no surprise, with the exception of maggie's few shifts, i've been closing the bar friday nights, napping two hours, then heading to the coffee shop, falling asleep while driving.... this job is not worth my life. i'm done. after another disastrous night friday, i verbally told the manager that i quit. she told me that she couldn't get anyone trained before three weeks from now. bullshit, everyone but two of us bartenders quit in march. march- almost eleven months ago! and when they fired maggie, they should have replaced her before letting her go. a few rounds of new servers have happened since then- it's their own fault for not training new bartenders. i won't stay longer, i won't come back to train any new employees, i am done. and it's such a free feeling. come on february 11th.... :)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
hollywoodland
is how the sign originally was built in the early 1920s, it was covered in lightbulbs. it was only intended to remain on the hills for a few months, and it wasn't an homage the glamorous town and lifestyle- it was actually a real estate advertisment for a housing area below the sign. the 'land' portion of the sign, as well as the lights, were removed in the late 1940s. the sign has be rennovated numerous times since... sometimes knowing things makes the magic disappear. i googled the sign because i'd just seen it in a film and was curious.... now i'm no longer curious, and a little less impressed...
the movie i went to see was "the artist" it's a love letter to the movies, a tale of a famous silent film actor not adjusting well at all to the introduction of talkies. i went alone- as i figured i would. and was ashamed for the 4 seconds of time when i wondered if i could be entertained by a silent film for an hour and a half.... of course i was. i was silly to think otherwise. and surprisingly, there were probably twenty or so people in the theatre as well, i was not expecting that at all. especially on a tuesday afternoon.
i love the glamour, the cars, the makeup and clothing, the music- all of these gorgeous things... walking into that theatre, sitting down in absolute darkness aside from the glow of the movie screen, i felt like i had stepped out of these crazy times and settled into the past. i was a bit saddened to remember at the end that i was the girl in the hoodie and jeans, walking into the overcast afternoon, instead of being that glamour doll on the arm of the dapper guy strolling down a sunny sidewalk.
no vintage clothing store, restored automobile or classic makeover would help for long. i haven't the patience or dedication. and this is an entirely different world now. but the thought is lovely....
the movie i went to see was "the artist" it's a love letter to the movies, a tale of a famous silent film actor not adjusting well at all to the introduction of talkies. i went alone- as i figured i would. and was ashamed for the 4 seconds of time when i wondered if i could be entertained by a silent film for an hour and a half.... of course i was. i was silly to think otherwise. and surprisingly, there were probably twenty or so people in the theatre as well, i was not expecting that at all. especially on a tuesday afternoon.
i love the glamour, the cars, the makeup and clothing, the music- all of these gorgeous things... walking into that theatre, sitting down in absolute darkness aside from the glow of the movie screen, i felt like i had stepped out of these crazy times and settled into the past. i was a bit saddened to remember at the end that i was the girl in the hoodie and jeans, walking into the overcast afternoon, instead of being that glamour doll on the arm of the dapper guy strolling down a sunny sidewalk.
no vintage clothing store, restored automobile or classic makeover would help for long. i haven't the patience or dedication. and this is an entirely different world now. but the thought is lovely....
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