two weeks notice-

in the past ten years, i have been moments away from walking out on that damn job SO many times- especially in the past year. i verbally told my manager that i quit friday night, and i've typed up the official letter as well. it's such a weight off my shoulders already- knowing that my days there are numbered. it's a shame- when i started in 1999, that restaurant was a wonderful place to work and when i came back from maternity leave in 2003, it was a sanctuary. in the 9 years since, it has continued it's significant downward spiral.

what i wrote: "the past ten years have been interesting to say the least; however, i feel like each shift i walk into i'm set up for failure and i've exhausted my time and energy with impossible schedules. this is my two-week notice, my last shift will be february 10th. thank you for all you've done and i wish you LOTS of luck with the new help."

what i wanted to write: go f*ck yourselves. you're lucky i even gave the notice, you don't deserve it. each manager has their own agenda, none of them are on the same page with anything. punishments and rewards are completely inconsistent, if acknowledged at all. there's a reason that restaurant has such a high turnaround rate when it comes to managers AND hourly employees. it's a trainwreck. i used to refer friends to work here, and now i don't even encourage the people i don't like.... it's ridiculous. no one is ever held accountable for anything, the blame is always passed around when it comes to management, and while i believe doing a good job IS a reward of sorts (knowing you're doing what you're supposed to)  there is no incentive or positive reinforcements for any of the employees going above and beyond on their own job or displaying teamwork- which is a rare thing to occur anyway. how can anyone be inspired to do things properly and help others when they themselves are not getting the help or recognition they need or deserve?
most of the other bartenders quit in march when corporate put 'tip share' into play. before tip share we all made our hourly wages (mine was $8/hr) plus 10% of alcohol sales, after tip share we all were reduced to $5/hr and 0.75% of ALL restaurant sales. since march (with the exception of almost two months i had maggie working with me) i have been the ONLY bartender working for 9 hours on friday nights, and 13 hours on sundays. no breaks, no help behind the bar. worst case scenario, i am responsible for seven cafe tables, 14 places at the bar, the never-ending drink printer, making change for servers, cashing out to-go orders, as well as all of the sidework- cleaning, washing dishes, etc. far more work than is worth the $5/hour. one cannot give quality service to their guests if they are stretched out too thin.
the decrease in wage and hours was devestating- that's why i started the coffee shop gig. since landing that job in may, i've told my manager that i cannot close on friday nights because there's only about three hours in between jobs- and two hours of sleep is not healthy. no surprise, with the exception of maggie's few shifts, i've been closing the bar friday nights, napping two hours, then heading to the coffee shop, falling asleep while driving.... this job is not worth my life. i'm done. after another disastrous night friday, i verbally told the manager that i quit. she told me that she couldn't get anyone trained before three weeks from now. bullshit, everyone but two of us bartenders quit in march. march- almost eleven months ago! and when they fired maggie, they should have replaced her before letting her go. a few rounds of new servers have happened since then- it's their own fault for not training new bartenders. i won't stay longer, i won't come back to train any new employees, i am done. and it's such a free feeling. come on february 11th....   :)

hollywoodland

is how the sign originally was built in the early 1920s, it was covered in lightbulbs. it was only intended to remain on the hills for a few months, and it wasn't an homage the glamorous town and lifestyle- it was actually a real estate advertisment for a housing area below the sign. the 'land' portion of the sign, as well as the lights, were removed in the late 1940s. the sign has be rennovated numerous times since... sometimes knowing things makes the magic disappear. i googled the sign because i'd just seen it in a film and was curious.... now i'm no longer curious, and a little less impressed...
the movie i went to see was "the artist" it's a love letter to the movies, a tale of a famous silent film actor not adjusting well at all to the introduction of talkies. i went alone- as i figured i would. and was ashamed for the 4 seconds of time when i wondered if i could be entertained by a silent film for an hour and a half.... of course i was. i was silly to think otherwise. and surprisingly, there were probably twenty or so people in the theatre as well, i was not expecting that at all. especially on a tuesday afternoon.
i love the glamour, the cars, the makeup and clothing, the music- all of these gorgeous things... walking into that theatre, sitting down in absolute darkness aside from the glow of the movie screen, i felt like i had stepped out of these crazy times and settled into the past. i was a bit saddened to remember at the end that i was the girl in the hoodie and jeans, walking into the overcast afternoon, instead of being that glamour doll on the arm of the dapper guy strolling down a sunny sidewalk.
no vintage clothing store, restored automobile or classic makeover would help for long. i haven't the patience or dedication. and this is an entirely different world now. but the thought is lovely....

motivation-

escapes me!
i've got a week left before the second set of classes begin. today's the first art therapy four session, then sunday begins the 6 hour drawing classes. it's so damn cold, i just want to stay snuggled up in bed. however, i should be working out- getting costume supplies for this weekend's cartooning class (which i STILL don't have theme or partners for- i hate it! relying on others is immensely frustrating)-i should also be organizing the upstairs. i said i'd do it over winter break, and i haven't touched it. four different art projects are currently staring me down- not to mention the side projects. i'm feeling overwhelmed to say the least. and i sit here eyes glazing over the laptop. if i were anyone else, i'd yell for me to get up and do something.... however, i'm just me and i'm just not feeling it. how could i even be considering skipping the first day of class? seriously. though it is nice to savor my last couple of unscheduled hours....

cinnamon and sugar...

...bagels from bruegger's cannot be toasted. i learned this today. and their french toast coffee- not so french toasty. those things made no nevermind to me though, i had great company and couldn't have been bothered.
i love worthwhile company. company that is comfortable enough to share their funny, embarassing stories, issues and insecurities. company that listens when i talk, company that doesn't trump my stories with their own bigger and badder tales, company that *shares* the conversation and seems thoroughly interested in things we're talking about. company like this is irreplacable.
having a conversation today about ambitions and goals, the sacrifices we make to attempt these, as well as putting our wants and needs on backburners for higher priorities- this conversation reminded me that i am happy in my scholarly pursuit (minus the math. cussing math. oooohhhh i despise it.) and this master's degree i chase IS a worthwhile and interesting endeavor. no matter how long it will take me to achieve, it's important to me and i hope i can help many people along the way. i know that like any other psychology, this art therapy is very subjective and easily manipulated. however, if the sincere outnumber the fakes, i will feel somewhat accomplished.
i took most of my art supplies out of the basement tonight, we're expecting rain- and last time it rained while there was snow on the ground, our basement filled with three feet of sewage water and ruined everything i'd been saving and working on for 15 years. living space with all furniture and electronics, entire art studio, journals, paintings and supplies, all of our camping equipment, the washer and dryer, the furnace, the hot water tank, 32 years worth of family photos. three feet of sewage is brutal and unforgiving. bringing a bunch of supplies upstairs makes me want to create a few things. there's a last minute art show i might be able to submit to in two weeks, so i should get cracking on that- though it's a valentine's inspired show. do i have positive things to contribute to that? i'm not so sure, though i will consult my wishing heart and create a quasi-mushy playlist- hoping to conjure the lovely muses. wish me luck!  i'd also like to finish rough sketches from a game started long ago- a game of 'finish the sentence' wherein pencils are traded to create stories of broken words and images to piece together. a mad libs without the prompts, if you will. this one is actually quite magical- and i'd love to eventually place it onto a large canvas. one of these days....

penelope

white lies and cursed afflictions aside, my hippie heart loved this movie. it took forever to see it, and i watched it alone- as i figured i would.... the message was beautiful- to love, respect and accept yourself for who you are; with the inevitable gorgeous ending: "there's someone out there that adores you and can't wait to make happily ever after happen"... i wish i believed that. i don't think i do. and with every passive aggressive gag-inducing or heart-melting movie, book or lucky friend (who's somehow seemed to find that perfect person) i lend my time to diminishes the light just a little more... i believed in fairytales once, some days-depending on my demeanor- i still do. it gets more difficult with each passing day. i don't want to keep this living arrangement forever, i can't wait to have someone to share the couch or bed with- i miss it. cooking together, reading together, bouncing creative ideas off of each other, inspiring and supporting and encouraging each other. hell, even the arguing and make up sex. i miss having a partner in life. not that my family and friends aren't support enough, that's a different entity. this existence is a bit lonely lately.... lonely enough to wonder about online matchmaking, to wonder about past mistakes, to wonder if i really am destined to be alone. i think i can handle that. maybe. i could just buy a dog, right? they're loyal. they don't argue. they kind of cuddle and play. though the conversations would be severely lacking. yet there wouldn't be any pressure for elaborate gifts or awkward family gatherings. i don't even know what i'm saying right now. except that it's time to close- i have to go to work. another thing i don't look forward to.... after ten years, i'm done. i'm over it. this will be my last january at that restaurant. but that building and all of it's stories will be saved for another day.

saturday

i love saturdays. i work from 4am to noon, then spend the entire rest of the day wtih the family.... today i spent three hours modeling for a cartooning class. it's always a really good time- however, sometimes discouraging. some of these kids are SO fucking talented. it's almost a reminder of how much i've let slip away- had i kept up with things art-related the nearly twenty years i've been out of school, who knows what i'd be capable of today. as always, i'll brush it off as "everything has a time and season"... but damnit!! instead of being intimidated by others, i should be inspired. we all have our own styles and ways of expressing ourselves. i just have to remind myself of that. everything is fine....

oh cleo....

you are still a shite friend.... never returning phone calls or texts, blowing off plans and only calling or visiting when you need something.... yet i oblige. and you are still the first person i want to call anytime anything happens... i really hate that sometimes.  especially when it feels like your being friends with me is out of sheer convenience. it sucks. why can't i bring these things to your attention or just let you go? i do have to admit, becoming less emotionally involved in your affairs makes my own life run just a little more smoothly. and somehow, i still miss when you're not around.

round two... ding ding!

here begins attempt two at blogging... it'll probably last a day or two or five, or be reserved for the times i just *have* to say something but have no idea who to say it to or how... hence the name: things i'll never say. once the thoughts/feelings/words hit this site, i'm certain they'll never trickle from the brain to the mouth. i'm hoping there's something freeing about that- once these demons are cleansed, they will be no more. in the spirit of self-fulfilling prophecy, here goes nothin'.....

i generally dislike surprises. i'm a terrible liar, and am always afraid my thoughts and emotions are too readily available, especially when caught off guard... "weird socks for christmas? thanks, granny." or  "hey friend, you're two hours late for our scheduled meet up, noooooo, i don't mind, really, i had nothing better to do with my single solitary day off this week- it's all good, honest." i think a lot of it stems from my eleventh birthday party, there was a boy in the class that had a crush on me and every single punk kid at the party was chattering about how his gift is probably a wedding ring and teasing the hell out of myself and this poor kid. damn, school kids can be cruel. it wasn't a wedding ring afterall, but it was a lovely monet bracelet. i hope he didn't nick it from his mom and is still grounded twenty years later....

back to the surprises. i had a lovely one a couple weeks ago, and write a letter to the subject- never to actually be delivered, of course:
when you showed up by surprise, i felt flustered and anxious and tripped on words the entire hour and a half, and i know it wasn't the coffee- it wasn't that hot or good! i couldn't even make much eye contact for fear that you could see right through me and knew the immediate resurgence of SO many emotions.... Love, above all. memories of countless good times-  magic tricks, thoughtful gifts, holding hands, stealing kisses, shared crossword puzzles, movie night snuggles, making dinner together, the absolute safe secure warmth of being tangled up in you... goodness, i miss everything about you.
and then i wonder if we made the right decisions, exes are exes for a reason, right? i wonder if we're finally at a place where we can be at peace in each other's company, and with a defeated and secret sigh, i answer myself 'no'... because this time, it is *i* that couldn't think of anything but your touch and kisses and everything else outside of the 'friend zone'....
to speak or not to speak, what would i say? what could i possibly expect from a conversation like that? there's no way i anticipate second chances- i'm certain you've moved on, as well you should have. it was a very difficult break-up. even if there were any renewed feelings on your part, would they be worth the risk again?
i'd like to think i've gotten better at communicating and trying to put myself in other's shoes before i speak or act... but it's only been a couple of years, how much could i have possibly changed? i'd like to think i'm less prone to completely shutting down when things get too overwhelming, but i know that's a damn lie. i'd like to think also that i'd be more considerate with my time management among other things... since this surprise hello, i find myself thinking sometimes whether or not you'd approve of some of my actions, acquaintances, conversations, choices.
i feel like i definitely drove you crazy with my loose definitions, vague explainations and general carefree antics. i'd hate to relive that part, and as unintentional as it was, the guilt from round one remains.....