here begins attempt two at blogging... it'll probably last a day or two or five, or be reserved for the times i just *have* to say something but have no idea who to say it to or how... hence the name: things i'll never say. once the thoughts/feelings/words hit this site, i'm certain they'll never trickle from the brain to the mouth. i'm hoping there's something freeing about that- once these demons are cleansed, they will be no more. in the spirit of self-fulfilling prophecy, here goes nothin'.....
i generally dislike surprises. i'm a terrible liar, and am always afraid my thoughts and emotions are too readily available, especially when caught off guard... "weird socks for christmas? thanks, granny." or "hey friend, you're two hours late for our scheduled meet up, noooooo, i don't mind, really, i had nothing better to do with my single solitary day off this week- it's all good, honest." i think a lot of it stems from my eleventh birthday party, there was a boy in the class that had a crush on me and every single punk kid at the party was chattering about how his gift is probably a wedding ring and teasing the hell out of myself and this poor kid. damn, school kids can be cruel. it wasn't a wedding ring afterall, but it was a lovely monet bracelet. i hope he didn't nick it from his mom and is still grounded twenty years later....
back to the surprises. i had a lovely one a couple weeks ago, and write a letter to the subject- never to actually be delivered, of course:
when you showed up by surprise, i felt flustered and anxious and tripped on words the entire hour and a half, and i know it wasn't the coffee- it wasn't that hot or good! i couldn't even make much eye contact for fear that you could see right through me and knew the immediate resurgence of SO many emotions.... Love, above all. memories of countless good times- magic tricks, thoughtful gifts, holding hands, stealing kisses, shared crossword puzzles, movie night snuggles, making dinner together, the absolute safe secure warmth of being tangled up in you... goodness, i miss everything about you.
and then i wonder if we made the right decisions, exes are exes for a reason, right? i wonder if we're finally at a place where we can be at peace in each other's company, and with a defeated and secret sigh, i answer myself 'no'... because this time, it is *i* that couldn't think of anything but your touch and kisses and everything else outside of the 'friend zone'....
to speak or not to speak, what would i say? what could i possibly expect from a conversation like that? there's no way i anticipate second chances- i'm certain you've moved on, as well you should have. it was a very difficult break-up. even if there were any renewed feelings on your part, would they be worth the risk again?
i'd like to think i've gotten better at communicating and trying to put myself in other's shoes before i speak or act... but it's only been a couple of years, how much could i have possibly changed? i'd like to think i'm less prone to completely shutting down when things get too overwhelming, but i know that's a damn lie. i'd like to think also that i'd be more considerate with my time management among other things... since this surprise hello, i find myself thinking sometimes whether or not you'd approve of some of my actions, acquaintances, conversations, choices.
i feel like i definitely drove you crazy with my loose definitions, vague explainations and general carefree antics. i'd hate to relive that part, and as unintentional as it was, the guilt from round one remains.....
No comments:
Post a Comment