four months later. highs and lows, predominantly highs- i've been too busy and blessed with distraction for lows. work 70 hours a week, school part time, an 11 year old a few days a week... happy art projects when i can fit them in. this is my life. i love my life. except for moments right now- it hit hard two days ago. not even two days ago, really. what am i doing? why? i feel like i'm wasting this life. not entirely, there are some very very very wonderful things about my life, i cannot and will not deny. however, at this very moment, as i did monday evening, i feel the most alone i've ever felt. the worst part about it, i'm in some of the best company around. sincerely, THE BEST company. my heart is not 100% there. where is it? i don't know.
in these near thirty-three (i fucking love that smashing pumpkins song, by the way!) years on this planet, i have never felt so absolutely conflicted than i do right now. i love SO many things about my life right now. i have two jobs that i enjoy, school is enriching, my family is AMAZING. however, i feel incredibly lonely and have a very real fear right now of becoming that crazy old cat lady. i don't even like cats, really. this sucks.
i'm the first to tell friends in this type of situation to embrace their alone time, get a hobby, reflect, enjoy being single, enjoy the free time, focus on yourself- we can't be happy with anyone else until we're happy with ourselves... i tell friends this, and i believe it whole-heartedly, why can't i follow my own advice?? mostly i can, but this week, for some stupid reason, will not comply. i know life is great, i know everything could be so much worse, i know things will fall into place in time.... it has to, right? i'm absolutely petrified of becoming that young woman in the obituaries- such a shame, a wasted life, so much potential, so many wonderful things never seeing the light of day. it can't be me, can it? the universe can be mighty cruel. i see it all the time. is there a chance i can be that little old lady in the rocking chair on the porch? please say yes. even if i'm alone. i just want to be her and maintain. i don't want to miss a thing. my father was talking about moving to arizona in six years or so when my son graduates from high school- i can't see that far into the future. i just can't imagine it. please don't be a premonition. i've just never planned that far in advance. i live my life daily, because they aren't a given.... am i doing it wrong?
i have no idea.
does anyone?
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